July 5, 2011


One of my jobs for the Civil Air Patrol is to periodically send out announcements for various radio communications training classes we hold from time to time. Invariably, these e-mail broadcasts bang up against the spam filters our California Wing membership set up for their accounts.

It is frustrating in the extreme to receive these arrogant little missives so, being the passive-aggressive bastard I am, I fashioned a response to reply to them:

I too sincerely regret that I am unable to receive your e-mail owing to some numb-nutz spam filter I set up because I cannot negotiate your e-mail and locate the "unsubscribe" link and accomplish what ordinary, reasonably technically competent users of e-mail are able to accomplish.

Oh to be sure, I am personally affronted by ads that suggest I might be afflicted by penile dysfunction and require some medicinal assistance to return to the former glory of my youth. And, verily, I do not want my virgin ancient eyes to be cast upon the comely derriere of a nubile 20-ish (although professing to be 5 years younger) woman attired in a tight sweater, short pleated skirt, bobby sox, and sneakers lest I be struck down by the Lord God Jehovah and rendered blind for my evil transgressions.

So, instead, I must live with sending out these condescending, pretentious, annoying notices explaining how you will have to run the gauntlet of link clicks and provide the most intimate details of your life just to gain an audience with me.

Why, I would not be surprised at all if you were crouched in your freezing garret, huddled over your keyboard, mouthing epithets like, "Aw blow it out your ass!"

Lordly and patronizingly yours,

William, the unavailable.

---- asshole@earthlink.net wrote:

I apologize for this automatic reply to your email.

To control spam, I now allow incoming messages only from senders I
have approved beforehand.

If you would like to be added to my list of approved senders, please
fill out the short request form (see link below). Once I approve you,
I will receive your original message in my inbox. You do not need to
resend your message. I apologize for this one-time inconvenience.

Click the link below to fill out the request:


There, I feel so-o-o-o much better; never mind the fact that my retort will bounce up against the very same spam filter once again.



  1. When are you going to write a novel with a sharped tongued lovable male senior citizen as the main character?