August 30, 2012

The Golden Years..

As I approach the age of retirement, I wonder how I will fill the days of my golden years. I think the letter below will provide me with some inspiration.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of  M&Ms on layaway.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6.  August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department; twenty children obliged.

7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'  EMTs were called.

8. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

9. October 3:  Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

10. October 6:  In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

11. October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,  yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

12. October 22:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

13. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

14. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!  There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.


The Management
Target #123



  1. Dude, your demented, must be why I like you......

  2. Oh I posted this on my blog, maybe some of the Russians that stop by my place will stop to see you......

  3. I thought it was made out to Mrs. Woodsterman.