May 19, 2010

Three New Navy Ships

 The USS Ronald Reagan
When the Bridge pipes ' Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet


Capacity

1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 18,150 meals served daily
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets


USS William Jefferson Clinton
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver, BC. The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere. (This is a prototype model of this equipment. If successful, one will be installed in the third new addition to the Navy fleet below.)

In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada.


USS Barack Obama
Details are as vague.But don't you worry..
..he has a plan

7 comments:

The Conservative Lady said...

As a former civilian employee of the Navy during the Clinton years, I'd say the "aircraft carrier?" named after him is very fitting. Maybe it's crew could be the first to receive the "courageous restraint" medal being proposed.
Obama's "boat" looks like it's manned by the illegals he's counting on for votes.
As for the USS Ronald Reagan...PERFECT!

The War Planner said...

The cool thing is that the Reagan only has to be refueled three times during its entire life time and has the 14,000 pillow cases and 28,000 sheets..

..wasn't that how many the Clinton White House used -- in the Lincoln bedroom?

Bastiatarian said...

Hahaha! You got me for a second with the Clinton. For just a second I thought "What the hud?"

I heard that the Obama is outfitted with teleprompters in the captain's quarters.

The War Planner said...

..and wall-to-wall mirrors so he can admire his bad self.

Lipton T. Bagg said...

T.W.P:

I would wager the Clinton White House used far fewer sheets and pillow cases. Bill seemed to prefer blue dresses, blue jeans and White Owl cigars. And he damn sure wasn't sleeping with Hillary...

I also understand the Obama will be fitting with striping in each room, to effectively measure the level Obama must bow to while defaming (defecating on?) the people he was elected to lead.

Just saying...

-LTB

Mike H. said...

Doesn't the Clinton (CVS¹) have that "Don't care if you tell" law?

The War Planner said...

..guys, I am dying here! Sides hurt and tears are running down the cheeks. L.T.B., I can visualize the striping you mention: like one of those show-up boards you see in the lineup rooms at precinct stations, no?

Thanks for stopping by, fellows. Don't be a stranger!